Preserve & protect: The power and importance of marriage counsellors

To avoid drowning in marital discord, Ben Kaplanseeks insight inthe most logical place he can think of the marriage of a marriagecounsellor

By Ben Kaplan

The couch beside the dining room table is plush and brown and holds an important place for the Nicolson household. They have a bedroom, of course, which is essential. And a room where their one- and three-year-old daughters sleep. But the couch is what keeps every door open, because when Ellis, 38, and his wife Tiffany, 34, experience the painful bits of their marriage though were screwed up by our parents, no one can hurt us quite like our spouse they retire to the couch, kick off their sneakers and take positions facing one another, touch bare feet, and talk it out. Sometimes they stay that way for hours.

I start to feel something physically, when Im starting to ramp up, I feel frustrated, and thats when I know weve got to go to the couch, says Ellis, who is boyish-looking, blond, and has a sensitive, relaxed disposition, as if hes never worn uncomfortable shoes. Even if resolution doesnt happen at that moment, the idea is to walk away knowing that were OK and can move on from here in a positive way.

Sometimes conflict cant be resolved because people dont feel safe enough to say whats really happening, and know that their partner wont leave

This summer, the couch played a pivotal role in the Nicolson marriage. With both of their children facing potentially serious health problems, Tiffany in chronic pain from an old neck injury, and both husband and wife sleep-deprived and on edge, Ellis had grown withdrawn and Tiffany was internalizing her negative emotions. It was Tiffany who suggested a session on the couch.

I dont want to be judged and I dont want to be seen as weak, but I had to tell him: Im really not doing well, says Tiffany, who is a veterinarian and a priests daughter, and makes charcoal portraits after her girls go to sleep. After our talk, nothing changed that much, but I felt better because I allowed myself to be vulnerable. Sometimes conflict cant be resolved because people dont feel safe enough to say whats really happening, and know that their partner wont leave.

The Nicolsons, who live in Mississauga, Ont., shop at Costco; they drink soda; they let their kids watch the same crap everyone else does on TV. Theyre normal, and like all normal married people, that means sometimes they go to bed angry. Sometimes Tiffany takes a whole day and stews. Ellis sometimes strikes blows with his silence. But what makes their marriage unique is Elliss profession: hes a marriage counsellor, and spends up to 12 hours a day hearing domestic dramas unfold. Raised by a single mother who had a strong connection to the church, Ellis was studying aviation when he realized two things: that people were coming to him for advice, and that the root of most everyones problems tended to stem from their family life. Kids get a sense of who they are from the nature of the relationship between their parents, he says. I wanted my life to be meaningful relationships were where I wanted to make my mark.

The problems that he sees in his practice tend to deal with a low-humming dissatisfaction with life. His clients are generally in their thirties and forties and face not so much big single issues cheating, addiction, abuse but rather a mixed cocktail of grievances, often ignored to the breaking point. People in marriage or couples counselling (Ellis sees married and unmarried pairs) are grappling with the disconnect between their relationship ideals and the realities of their own partnerships. And Ellis is careful to be mindful of this in his own love life. A registered marriage and family therapist, he says he leaves work at work when hes home with his family, but both he and Tiffany say theyve benefited from his job. They dont see themselves as having the perfect marriage, they see themselves engaged in a realistic one. Wed for six years they met through a Christian website and dated for a year and a half Ellis and Tiffany dont expect bliss. Contentment is enough.

Your relationship is not doomed because you have problems

Read this article:
Preserve & protect: The power and importance of marriage counsellors